The following thought came to me while walking to the T Friday morning, and I had to share:
It’s Christmas in September, thanks to the Miami Dolphins.
Thank you, thank you, I’ll be here all week.
In case you are football illiterate, the Dolphins have always had this tendency to really…how do I put this kindly…suck around December. Several sportswriters always make reference to the annual December downfall of the Dolphins (and not just because it’s excellent alliteration.) But this year, they’ve decided to not have actual ready-for-the-NFL quarterbacks, and therefore, their suckiness has come along four months early. Nice to all of us of fans of other teams in the AFC East, because it means the constant threat of “this actually is the Dolphins’ year” doesn’t exist. Great news to us Bills fans–it means we actually might be better than someone this year. Squishing the fish shouldn’t be too hard this year, providing Bledsoe maintains the limited quarterbacking capacity he has left. It might actually be a good game…and by good, I mean, “evenly matched up.” I didn’t actually mean the teams were good. Oh no, not at all.
But is this game this weekend? No. Do I get to get phone calls from my parents talk about squishing fish and reminiscing about the infamous “Mom causing Dan Marino’s freak devastating ACL injury in 1993” incident, which led my father for years following to ask us all when we hurt ourselves, “Oh, is it your anterior cruciate ligament?” thinking that was the most witty remark he could ever make? (I don’t even know if it was an ACL injury to Marino–but in Hasenauer lore it is.)
It is a bye for the Pats and Bills. Unfortunately, it is not for the Niners. Can the Niners’ go on a permanent bye until Donahue and the rest of his front office decides that in football, money is for spending, not sitting on? Great, you’re rebuilding your team with draft picks. Fine. That’s a commendable way to go. However…if you don’t have veterans, who are the draft picks supposed to emulate? Sure, they have…like one veteran. Jeremy Newberry, who is now out indefinitely, and who wasn’t the best offensive lineman ever in the first place (he’s the one who missed the block that allowed Aeneas Williams to sack Steve Young to end his career) counts as their like one veteran. Tim Rattay? Not a veteran. Okay, wait, they have a really good cornerback guy that I read about in ESPN the Magazine…and he’s not such the young chicken. Oh okay. I was wrong. The Niners have two veterans. My mistake.
Mind you, due to work, I have yet to watch a good amount of football yet this season, and we are entering week 3. This is a travesty. However, I have set aside this Sunday to wake up at 10, eat breakfast, then sit in bed and watch Steve Young out yell Michael Irvin for two hours while Chris Berman screams random things about frozen tundras. It’s good stuff. For those unaware, that’s the equivalent of watching a debate between that good looking and amazingly successful guy everyone hates because he just knows he’s right and has some kind of debate training to back it up and a frantic drug addict who insists that he’s right despite the fact that he couldn’t tell you that 2 + 2 = 4, all while your middle aged goofy uncle attempts to referee. Oh, and after that I’ll watch some football games, all while writing a paper about the “double edged sword” of community colleges. Ahh, some things never change: Sundays = football and homework. Well, until next year, when it equals just football, which will be amazingly weird.
So providing that I’ve neglected picking games so far this season due to my busy schedule and my need to devote appropriate time to my fantasy standings, I give you my picks for Week 3. I may be rusty, so let me feel it out this weekend.
St. Louis over New Orleans (I am the most iffy about this one)
Pittsburgh over Miami (Go Class of ’04!)
Minnesota over Chicago (I hate the Vikings. I pity the Bears. However, I am realistic.)
Giants over Cleveland (Hate Garcia. The Browns also lost like their whole offense last week, so Garcia must be lamenting that he would of had more offensive weapons right now on the Niners than he does right now with the Browns.)
Atlanta over Arizona (Vick = A cocky Steve Young. Arizona = worst team ever except for Fitzgerald and the fact that their coach is Dennis Green. My family is partial to Green, and I don’t really know why, but we always have been.)
Indianapolis over Green Bay (This is Manning’s league right now, whether he deserves it or not.)
Baltimore over Cincinnati (and if they don’t, I’m screwed fantasy wise)
Philadelphia over Detroit (Love ya Mooch. However, I adore the anchors of both my fantasy teams just a bit more, and after Monday night, I am convinced that I made the right decision with them.)
Tennessee over Jacksonville (Second least sure about. I hope I get to see some of this one–I don’t know what either team is really like this year, and seeing them is ten times better than reading about them after a while.)
Kansas City over Houston (The Chiefs are due. They aren’t as bad as everyone is making them out to be. They just have senile, weirdo, or both coaches and coordinators.)
Denver over San Diego (Bring back Flutie!!!!!!!!!!!! Come on, you know Flutie would beat Plummer. You know Flutie would beat Drew Brees for that matter. Or maybe it’s just I who will still be picking Flutie when he’s 60 and doing Canadian infomericals.)
Seattle over San Fransisico (Sniffle, sniffle, tear. Dorsey’s hot. Rattay’s not bad. Why must they lose?)
Oakland over Tampa Bay (Even though Oakland got rid of Rick Mirer. He’s gone to a better place, and that would be backing up Joey Harrington. Sigh…where did the Class of 1993 go wrong?)
Washington over Dallas (Feel better soon, Brunell. Although I have been told never to pick against Parcells, I think it’s safe to this year.)
I think I’ll be lucky if I go 7-7 this week. It takes a week for me to get into the swing of the season.
Welcome to the SAO:
Two weekends ago, I had to take the student group I advise on a retreat, and the car ride activity in the van I was in was to name your Top 5. Of course, I being the new intern, I was one of the first targets. Of the top of my head I named:
1) Steve Young
2) Mark Brunell
3) Tom Brady
4) Jerome Ignilia
5) Gabe Kapler
Not that those are really my top 5, but they were what I could come up with at the time. My boss laughed at me, and when we were talking about it in the office a few days later, said, “To name her top 5, all you do is just name 3-4 NFL quarterbacks and then fill the rest with two random athletes.”
I beg to differ. Gabe Kapler is not a random athlete. He’s the hottest baseball player ever to exist in the history of the game. That’s definitely not random.
A short plea to the NHL:
Dear NHL players, owners, and involved parties;
I have recently become single again, therefore I need you to start playing so that I can be easily distracted from my single status. I also have become somewhat attached to writing papers while listening to NHL Radio online, and I fear without that to listen to, my grades will diminish. While I understand I’m probably the last one holding out hope left in America, and that this further proves what a Canadian I really am, I hope that you all take my reasons into account.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
So I take the bus to work about 60% of the time now. And they have these prerecorded announcements that order us, the T riders, to “report any suspicious activity to the driver,” like the subway does.
Have you ever taken a bus in Boston? If I followed those instructions, I would be sitting in the driver’s lap the duration of my 20 minute ride.
Personal Note of the Week: I am 3 for 3 in “not only keeping all composure while being dumped, but in keeping the guy as a friend.” I need to teach classes in this. I am single handedly transforming the stereotype of the dumped girl, one breakup of mine at a time.
I’ll give you secret #1, free of charge.
1) Have six tons of work due the next day.
It’s saved me quite a few times, if not all.
I have yet to catch the new season of Dream Job because I work Tuesday nights, and ESPN is not repeating it yet, but it doesn’t surprise me that the two top contestants right now are Syracuse alums. When I went to the auditions back in July, the guy I thought would definitely make it from Boston was a Syracuse alum. They’re extremely well-spoken and definitely know what they’re doing. This guy had resumes, a tape of his work, references, detailed writing examples…when we hadn’t been asked to bring anything. It was hard core.
It also sounds like the women stink this year. I will make no comment on that, except that you could of avoided that by picking any girl from Boston. It makes me not wonder if they don’t want the women to succeed…but I’ll wait to pass judgment until I can actually see an episode.
Realistically, could I ever make it on Dream Job? Heck no. I mean, in case you haven’t noticed, I stutter. Not the best trait for a sportscaster to have. So I don’t mind sitting back and watching.
If I ever get to catch an episode, that is.
Signs that my life is wicked different than it was five months ago:
It’s sad when you get up at 8:30, and you consider that sleeping in.
I can shop at Sephora.
My jeans are collecting dust because I can’t wear them to work.
I can go shopping at the Pru and at Copley on my free Friday nights. (I love Back Bay on Friday and Saturday nights. It’s the epitome of what I dreamed my life in Boston would be like.)
But some things never change: I work either Friday or Saturday night every weekend, and it’s September, and I’m battling laryngitis.
Till next time…