Dear My Canadian Family/Ma famille Canadienne,
Last Sunday, Western New York let you borrow the Buffalo Bills for a game. You gave them the Rogers Centre, a dull and lifeless home. They, in turn, gave you a dull and lifeless football game. I apologize for the unproductive exchange. Maybe when we have a quarterback, a new coach, and uninjured defense, this will go much better.
Because you were probably pretty bitter at the inferior goods we sent to Toronto, you decided last Monday to express interest in purchasing the Buffalo Sabres. Not all of you exactly, but the CEO of the best thing to come out of Canada since Tim Hortons Coffee, Research in Motion (RIM), which manufactures Blackberries. (I love my Blackberry like a second cat.) If they were for sale, RIM’s CEO reportedly is interested in buying the Sabres with a stipulation that some of their home games be played in Hamilton, Ontario.
Well, Canada, it seems that you are interested in all things Western New York. So do I have a deal for you.
Take us all.
There it is. I said it. If you want to take Western New York’s beloved but consistently downtrodden football team, and you want to take their lovable but manic depressive hockey team, then why not take all of Western New York.
I understand your argument that this might better us more than it betters you. My Western New York family would get universal health care, stricter gun laws, most likely better education, CBC, TSN, the better version of NHL Network, and even more Tim Hortons. You would get a lot of boarded up factories, Garbage Plates, and the ugly side of Niagara Falls. However, you would also get the two sports teams you desire, Wegmans, buffalo wings, and the Record Archive guy you already love so much. You would get the booming beer manufacturing business of Rochester (trust me, it pains my born-and-bred Bostonian fiance that his Sam Adams is brewed in Rochester, NY), the new MAC football champion University of Buffalo Bulls, and arguably the best stadium in Triple A baseball, Frontier Field.
You would have your coveted NFL franchise, and JP Losman could easily become the CFL quarterback he’s always deserved to be (especially after today’s heartbreaking loss to the Jets that I don’t want to talk about.) You would have an additional NHL franchise, one that especially hates southern US teams – well, at least the Dallas Stars – and you wouldn’t have to move them out of Buffalo to make them Canadian.
Listen, Canada – I realize you have your own problems at the moment. This might not be the best time for you to annex a giant piece of land from the United States. But once you get your own governmental problems worked out, I think you should talk to President-Elect Obama about the idea. He’s a politician, meaning he won’t care about Western New York, and will probably okay the deal five minutes into the discussion. And Governor Paterson won’t care – he likes to pretend Western New York is a plague anyway. He’ll be happy not to feel guilty about everything he’s not doing to help the region.
And then I’ll really be able to say I’m originally from Canada, instead of having to explain why I act, look, and speak like a Canadian without the actual citizenship. I could say, “Well, I am originally from Rochester, Ontario, Canada. That’s why I say aboot, get a headache when I go more than two days without watching hockey, and have a natural ability for ice skating.” Rochester, Ontario, Canada has a nice ring to it.
My home region is practically Canada anyway. Just make it official. Come on, Canada – whadya say?