I Have a Paper Due on Monday That’s Not Done, Thus I Feel the Need to Write an Entry

According to several columnists (cough, cough, Bill Simmons, cough, cough), women DO NOT PICK FOOTBALL GAMES. We don’t do spreads, unless they’re of food, and we don’t play fantasy, unless you’re talking about our fantasies of some hot guy.

By those two lines, you should be highly amused. I’m a woman. And last time I checked, I kick butt in most things football on a regular basis. Of course, I’m writing this the day before I enter fantasy football playoffs, and this could all blow up in my face. But I met my goals for my first season playing fantasy football, which was were to make the playoffs in both leagues. I knew that two things I would struggle with this season would be defenses and not being stupid when it came to trading–and trust me, those things bit me in the butt several times. My real concern is with my picks and fantasy–I feel as if my picking skills have gone downhill while playing fantasy football. In fact, I’ve abandoned picking all together for a large portion of the season, due to the fact that I haven’t had time to work on my fantasy team and do picks.

Well, it’s time to get back on the horse. Here we go, Week 14.

Atlanta over Oakland— If I have to sit through another profile of Michael Vick where they compare him to Steve Young, I think I’ll throw my Ithaca throw pillow through the TV instead of just at it (I’ll just have to throw with my left arm). Yeah, that was cool 2 years ago. It was new 2 years ago. But yeah, um, it’s no longer anything we’ve never heard. Plus, now that Vick has been in the league a few years, I think it’s clear that Young and Vick will have far different careers. Despite his inconsistencies, Vick has been more successful in his four years (well, actually really three, given his injury) than Young was in his first few years with the Bucs. I’m not at all suggesting that Vick will have the better career, but he was more successful at the start than Young. In addition, I would like to say that Young knew how to run a shotgun before he left college, unlike Vick.

Baltimore over the Giants–The weekly conversation between me and one of my student workers goes something like this:

Chris: “This is killing me. Shockey got nothing yesterday. I’m not starting him next week.”

Me: “At some point, when will they realize that even Warner is better than Manning? Even a concussed Warner is better than Manning.”

And then we go on for about ten minutes about how much Manning stinks.

Buffalo over Cleveland–Me, pick against my Bills? Pick against McGahee? Pick against their defense? Pick against any team playing against a team sometimes led by Jeff Garcia? And can I just say that during break, I plan on reading False Start, a book about the reincarnation of the Browns that Peter King mentioned in his Monday Morning Quarterback column last week. I’m interested in reading about Carmen Policy, who I always considered highly talented, and what happened to make him ineffective in Cleveland. On a lighter note, has anyplace in either San Fran or Cleveland played off the whole “Cherry Garcia” idea yet? I mean, up here in Boston, J.P. Licks still has “Cherry Garciaparra” ice cream. Given all the football food take offs the nation has endurred over the years, it would only be appropriate. Nothing will ever top Flutie Flakes. On a somewhat related note, I feel that David Ortiz needs to have a food named after him. Out of all the athletes out there right now, I think he is just due for one.

Dallas over New Orleans–Disciplined inconsistency versus wild, unharnessed inconsistency. Fun times. When the Tuna Went Down to Texas is also on my “to-read” list for break.

Indianapolis over Houston–Uh, yeah. I don’t really like any of the Mannings. Whiney daddy’s boys. Except I do love the Mastercard commercial with Peyton cheering for the accountants and deli people. Gosh darn cute right there (the commercial, not Peyton…except at the end when he looks at his hand and says, “I’m never gonna wash my hand again!” That’s a tad on the endearing side. And then I remember it’s a Manning, so I scowl.)

Jacksonville over Chicago–Chicago is like white toast. Bland, underachieving, can sometimes achieve greatness with certain pinch players, like peanut butter (or Chad Hutchinson), but overall, you always want to like it but it falls way below your expectations.

Minnesota over Seattle–Both teams will fight hard, but Culpepper is a tour de force of I-should-of-been-a-basketball-player quarterbacking, and will win in the end.

New England over Cincinnati–The Pats will not fall behind the Steelers. They won’t let themselves.

Denver over Miami–Or at least I’d hope so. But with Denver lately, I feel like you never know. I also haven’t seen too much of them this season. On the “not seeing them” note, should getting NFL Sunday Ticket be one of my goals for 2005? I mean, getting NFL Network was one of my goals for 2004, so it would logically be the next step.

Pittsburgh over the Jets–Deep down inside, the Jets stink. Well, except for Curtis Martin. I want a 0-4 rest of the season for the Jets. That would make us Bills fans very happy.

Green Bay over Detroit–I keep tearing up whenever I see Brett Favre nowadays, and I sob whenever I read anything about him. Football isn’t supposed to make me cry, but I am a girl. Some girls cry at movies, but I don’t get the chance to see enough of those, so I cry at sports instead. I just bawled at the Sports Illustrated piece naming the Red Sox as Sportsmen of the Year. Bawled. I was on the bus. ON THE BUS. And I cried. I must say that any future children I may have are going to be enamored with my Red Sox World Series article collection and will hopefully think that I’m the coolest mom ever. Or they’ll bawl when they read half the articles.

Arizona over San Fran–Speaking of bawling, I’m tearing up right now just writing the words “San Fran.” Why are they sooooooo baaaaaaaadddddd?! (Tear, tear, sniffle, sniffle.)

Carolina over St. Louis–In case you’ve missed it, Mike Martz is nuts. Crazy. Incomprehensible. But then again, he is effective every fourth game or so. Maybe he’ll read the clock this week. We’ll see.

San Diego over Tampa Bay–SAN DIEGO, Super Chargers, SAN DI-E-GO! Come on guys, steamroll the rest of the season and get Flutie a Super Bowl ring. Tell me that wouldn’t be the story of the year. Tell me that Schottenheimer hasn’t proved his worth as an NFL coach with this year’s job. He was pretty good with the Chiefs back in the day, but this is just something else.

Philadelphia over Washington–I’ll love you, McNabb, if you can help me win fantasy football again this week, and the same goes to you, T.O. If you manage an amazing game, T.O., I’ll forgive your participation in stunts that give those non-sports-likers around me a reason to nag me about watching professional sports.

Kansas City over Tennessee–A game with teams so bad that it’s gonna be good.

Okay, we’ll see if women can pick football games now.

The only thing I really have to venture fully into is spreads. I’ve done spreads before, but not so much this season. After finals are done (aka, next week), I’m going to pick with spreads. Watch out, Kat has free time! But at this point it’s 1:30am, I’m a zombie, my hands feel like lead and my conflict resolution paper is sick of being ignored, so I should do something other than writing an entry. I will return later in the week with more fun procrastination reading for you all, so don’t worry.

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